Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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