Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
