I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
