he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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