Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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