you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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