I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
