careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
