Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
