I wish I could punch you in the face.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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