I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
