I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
