Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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