he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
