that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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