You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
