listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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