I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize