He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Please don't give away my fajitas
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
