A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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