This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
