In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
