2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
