I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
