I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
