2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
