If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
