I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
