What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
