I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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