I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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