WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
