ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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