We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
