Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
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And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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