I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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