Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I would ride that face into the sunset
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