So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
