What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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