you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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