yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
