He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
