I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
