If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
