You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
