WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
