There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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