dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
