you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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