i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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