Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
