Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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