Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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