i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
