dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
