i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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