i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
