omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
