Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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