I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
