You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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