the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
whose parrot is this?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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