if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
